I was asked recently if I felt Marin’s presence. That question really stumped me. I honestly couldn’t. I couldn’t feel my daughter’s presence but my god I could feel her absence. How is the blood still pumping around my body? That’s how big the hole feels. It’s constant. Missing her bookmarks everything I do, I say, I feel. It doesn’t, in these early days seem to get better or worse. It is just constant.
So with her absence an ever constant in my life, and no partner and my housemate R away at the moment I have been feeling very lonely. Lonely enough to watch four Harry Potter movies in one day(!). Although even when I do spend time with friends I still feel lonely, because she isn’t here with me. I have wanted to feel her but I can’t. I think of her but I can’t FEEL her with me.
I drove to Canberra on Friday afternoon. I was feeling particularly sad after driving past a hearse, wishing I was grieving at least my adult child instead of my baby. I stopped at the red light. An old man began to cross the road and I looked at him. POW the universe struck me so suddenly with a feeling of warmth, comfort and presence. This man looked remarkably like my Poppa, who died in 1998. I instantly felt the presence of my family. All those who had passed away were with me. Suddenly my car, that had seemed so empty not two minutes before, was filled to capacity. My Nanna, Poppa, Grandma (Mamma), Auntie, Sister and my dear darling Daughter were with me.
I have never felt so alone and yet so comforted at the same time. What a tragedy that I have so many dear ones passed. But how lovely that they are all ‘up there’ together, looking after Marin. Please visit me more often. I miss you and love you all, x.